I have a very good friend who is always late. And I don’t mean occasionally or only by a few minutes. I mean every single time and by at least thirty minutes—often longer.
As the clock ticks, I cycle through a mix of emotions. At first, I get a little antsy. Then I become annoyed and frustrated, and by the 40-minute mark, I am downright fuming. My friend knows her chronic tardiness makes me go berserk because, well, I’ve snapped at her and said that making me wait every time we hang out is a super rude, disrespectful thing to do (I’m not proud).
Of course, this solved nothing. I came off as an asshole and made her sad, and now I’m writing about it to you, dear stranger. But I figure there’s got to be a legit solution out there that can nip this problem in the bud so I can meet up with my pal at the agreed-upon time and enjoy whatever we have planned. So I called up Alex Stratyner, PhD, a psychologist at Stratyner & Associates in New York City, for some advice. What the heck can you do if you have a perpetually late pal who you love but also kinda want to strangle? Here, Dr. Strayner shares three things you can do to get your friendship back on track.
Try not to take their not-so-great planning personally.
It’s totally understandable to get agitated when you have to sit and wait (and waaait) for someone to show up. You may feel like you prioritized and set aside time to be with this person and start questioning why they didn’t do the same for you—or, perhaps, like you could be doing better things with your time than twiddling your thumbs by yourself at a table set for two. If you’re super punctual, you might also be flabbergasted or hurt that your friend doesn’t see things the same way, and it can feel like a conflict of values or personal morals, Dr. Stratyner tells SELF.
But your bestie’s tardiness likely has nothing to do with you, she says. More often than not, it’s about them and what’s going on in their life. Maybe they’re dealing with a health condition, like ADHD, that makes it tough for them to get out the door, or they’re busy taking care of a sick family member or endless tasks at work, Dr. Stratyner says. They also could have been raised by laid-back parents who never prioritized timeliness—so they might not even realize that other people care about being punctual, she adds.
So try not to take it personally. Instead, shift your perspective and acknowledge that their actions aren’t about you. This strategy is, essentially, an example of how cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) works. This form of psychotherapy is based on the idea that “when you can change your thoughts, you can change your behavior or feelings,” Dr. Stratyner says. In this case, changing your POV on the situation can reduce the stress and anxiety you feel about your friend never being on time, she explains.
Express your needs with care and compassion.
You want your friend to be aware that your blood boils when they leave you hanging, but it’s important to communicate your frustration delicately. Try not to scold or reprimand them about what they’re doing wrong—no one likes to feel personally attacked. When you point out someone’s irritating behavior, you want to lay out the facts, share how the situation makes you feel, and express what you want instead, Dr. Stratyner says.
This approach lets your buddy know how their actions affect you without causing them to feel threatened (which will likely make them tense and defensive). Plus, when you address things rationally, you’re less likely to become emotional and flip out like an asshole (which, let me tell you from firsthand experience, sucks and doesn’t change anything).
So start with something like, “I noticed that sometimes when we meet, you run late.” Then say how it makes you feel: “When you’re late, I feel hurt,” for example. Don’t be afraid to get vulnerable, Dr. Stratyner adds—if their tardiness upsets you because it makes you wonder if they really care about your friendship, tell them. But again, focus on your feelings (without blaming them), Dr. Stratyner says. Next, share what you need—go with a line like, “I would really appreciate it if we could find some kind of solution so we can both arrive on time.”
Finally, let them know you’re willing to work with them—maybe that means choosing a restaurant that’s closer to their house or suggesting times that work better for them. “This is a way of showing that you care while assertively expressing your own needs,” Dr. Stratyner says.
Encourage them when they show up on time.
If your friend continues to run late after you bring up your concerns, try to not lose it. Yes, that might be easier said than done if you’ve been pushed to your edge, but keep in mind that it’s going to take time for your friend to change their behavior. Instead of consistently chastising them, let them know you’re appreciative when they arrive on time, Dr. Stratyner suggests.
So praise your friend when they get to the yoga class or happy hour at the right time (or, fingers crossed, early). All you need to do is say something like, “I’m so happy you’re here! Thanks for getting here on time, I’m so excited to see you.” Why? “You’re more likely to see a change if you reinforce a good behavior” rather than criticize a bad one, Dr. Stratyner explains. This alone may motivate them to be punctual again next time.
After Dr. Stratyner and I wrapped up our call, I felt much more optimistic about resolving this issue with my friend. I’d been feeling pretty hopeless about the whole situation, but now I see that if I give her a bit of slack and suggest a bar around the corner from her house instead of one 20 minutes away (what was I thinking!?), we might actually make our reservation. Or at least only be a few minutes late. And that I can deal with.
Related:
3 Things to Do If Your Friend Is Always Bailing on Plans How to Tell If You’re in a One-Sided Friendship 5 Little Ways to Be a Better Friend When You’re So, So Tired
Get more of SELF’s helpful friendship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
Information contained on this page is provided by an independent third-party content provider. This website makes no warranties or representations in connection therewith. If you are affiliated with this page and would like it removed please contact editor @pleasantgrove.business
